platypuspondering: Life off Kilter

{March 15, 2013}   Finding my way Back

I sit to type for the first time in so long I am not sure where to start. I have had a rough couple months working through that. most people who read this know I did not have a good relationship with my Dad. I was surprised by how effected I was by his death, That  sound cold and unfeeling but if you grieve someone your whole life do you really have anything left when they pass. Besides the few days when he was really sick when we talked and it was goodish then bad around towards the end we had not spoken in 3 or 4 years. I found not so much grief as crap now I am stuck with your opinion about me, there is nothing left I can do to change it. As if I could have done anything about it in the first place. My Dad never saw me for me, he saw parts of me laced with fears from his past, the face and voice of my Mother, and wove them together to create the me he saw. The me I know and others tell me I am, He never knew. Took me this long to realise His opinion of me is none of my business. I was never responsible for his opinion in the first place. It never defined me even though for years I let it confuse me about who I was.

So spring is coming and the warmth of the day is at hand and it is time to enter the world again. I was just at the place of feeling great doing good things and living my best self when this all happened, I figured out a very obvious thing I had missed before to get there again I need to do the things I was doing to find that place to begin with. I am doing morning pages again letting the brain just drain on the page for 3 pages  and nourishing my Body (good nutrition, feeding my soul and getting to the gym again). 

This probably is not the most fantastic update ever and not cleverest thing people will read today or.. ever really. It is scary for me to write the real feelings about my Dad passing and how it really feels to me. maybe I just am deluding my self and I am worse off than I am presenting here. I find it harder to write the truth, for fear of how I will sound or how people will react to How I see it. I grieved before he died: I grieved every birthday or holiday: there or not there. Not there was less painful. I was so sad when my birthday rolled around and all I was, was glad I would not get the you suck birthday letter ever again. It had been at least 5 years since he acknowledged my birthday and 4 more before that since it had been anything more than a letter spelling out my disappointment to him. Yet every birthday would roll around and those things loomed over the time, the waiting to hear how much I was not what he wanted. That seemed the place he took in my life this looming force just waiting to belittle and judge me. It took 10 years for me to crawl out from under that and breath, To find me and know me again. It seemed after his passing I went right back under the full weight of it. I couldn’t get out of bed for longer than I would want to say, I could not live under that strain again: hell couldn’t do it the first time that is why I backed away. I feel like a cliché having Dad issues and everything that goes with it at 39, but you live where you live.

This is my year to count down to my 40’s. I am going to make this year a great one. I am a mess and ok with that. I am going to hit 40 and be fabulous! The age thing has never bothered me, I have loved each year more than the last. I love my life and the people who are in it. I have 11 more months to go but and very excited about the path the flowers and all the wayward things to come my way in this year. I have given enough of my life to these things that no longer serve me well and crush my soul. I am picking up the things that get me to the me I want to be. I want to live from my heart love with out fear and be me the me I have always been and found again I like her she;s kinda quirky and fun.

Xenogirl says:

Oh my heart just aches when I read this… but I am so proud of you for pushing through and working towards healing. Shedding the expectations of others is perhaps the most difficult part of becoming whole. For me, speaking and writing honestly, even when it is painful, has been pivotal in that process. Know that you are loved by so many for just being YOU, today.❤

Teary hugs and thanks. It took me a long time to figure out what to say coming back to writing here. Hard to be transparent when it sounds so cold to me. You are a big insperation to me to be honest and write boldy. gulp man this is hard, it is so much easier to try to be cleaver. I needed to hear these words today scary thing to speak the truth.

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