platypuspondering: Life off Kilter

{August 24, 2013}   The scratches of life

IMG_0295 It’s been a while but I just felt I had to post this. I woke up with astrange dream. I think it was my mind’s way of ordering this last week’s events. It gave me some clarity on other things I had been mulling over. I lost my father earlier this year it’s been an odd thing for me. My father and I weren’t close and actually had quiet a difficult relationship. Recently I’ve been seeing a friend of mine lose her father and reading of the strugles of my dear friend’s loved brother in-law as his father is struggling with surgeries and a new found illness, the fear and uncertainty of a friend’s child being so ill, a friend strugling through a harsh world of depression; unending darkness dismissed by most. It seems so odd when we are in these moments life halting in dramatic and forceful way.

I remember how angry I got ,the world had ended for me in those moments. Even seemed morbidly odd. my dad’s funeral for me seemed more like a really sad cocktail party greeting those endlessly. I knew so long ago with no coffin or normality of the situation to grab hold of. The funeral service was beautiful. It was just halted for me.

That halting at time meant too overwhelmed, the world was ending and no one knew. I have faced the death of those I loved before, each one leaving there own mark, life leaves it’s imprint on those of us passing this way. with a halting odd feeling that if it had music would be slowed down terrifying circus band wagon music or that defying sound they play after the bombs go off in movies, the whinying sound as the surrealness of life going on passes you by. I found watching life going on making me mad or anxious in alternating time. I have found comfort in that though. Life will go on again.

Don’t rush through the hard things in life, you find the most beautiful things there. There has to be something right in exchange for ‘losing’ all that time.
I can’t compare my month of just loosing 2 cars to profound loses like described above, that said my husband’s job requires a car, translating at most of the medical clinics in the area, all three hospitals and several others in nearest cities. Is he going to be able to get to them?. It just brought the lessons I have gleaned to the front, if they help, they help anyone, I’m glad.

That halting watching the world go on turned to comfort for me and away from anger knowing the world would move again for me too. I found people that are the precious gems in life. lastly, I found out that I’m strong. I can come out to the end of the worst life has to thrown at us. Even as those time seem to swell and threaten to overtake me. They didn’t and they don’t.

I hope this finds you if your hurting or going thru all of the darker places life has to dish out. You will see light again. You will breath again. You will not want to shoot the birds in the morning for waking you up when sleep seems to have just found you. Life takes pieces of us, that is true of all. It leaves some pretty important things too.

{April 16, 2013}   The Adventure

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I think every road trip should start out in the middle of the night. It just feels more like you escaping. Even if we left at 3 am to beat a snow storm. Ugh, A named one at that. WE missed all the big traffic from Chicago and that But still ended up 3 hours in a traffic jam because a semi jack knifed out side of somewhere Indiana. We had fun though driving down We always do we over did it with the four square checking in places we passed and every toll both we hit that we could find fast enough. We ll that I could find fast enough for us. I am very sure our four square friends were anoid but we loved it.

We got to Church Hill downs late in the day thanks to the Semi driver. The hours we had planned to spend there were spent on a hy-way in Indiana. We could however eat a very late lunch and have a mint Julip. A famous Mint Julip. I was not too disappointed I am not huge on the Kentucky Derby or Horses much anyway. I was surprised to see such a place known for wealth and that to be in a ghetto area. That proved to be a very bad thing when after a few pics we went to leave and $70 worth of gas had vanished from our gas tanks. We filled up as I was never so glad I booked us out in the country and we left Louisville. We found the inn it was Beautiful We stayed at the Beaumont Inn in Harrodsburg. The place has 3 buildings we stayed in the main in. with big ceilings and antiques everywhere.We had plans to eat a steak house but were just so tired we crashed at 6 pm (well I did, hubbie went picture taking in town) after eating some humus and pita bread we brought for snacks.

The next morning was a big one Zip lining in a cave for Tom tram in the cavern for me. I was actually so tired I wanted to sleep in the car instead but pushed in because Hubby was so nervous. SO I took the tram I had left my coat in the car and this proved to be a mistake I was so cold. and so tired, I seriously had a hard time having a conversation with an older couple because I was nodding off. The Megga Cavern has the largest underground zipline in the world, The hubby loved it hurling in the dark zipping 70 feet up in the air. It was a blast. My tour was less so if you are going choose accordingly. On the way back we hit Jim Beam distillery. It was ok we got some good pictures and sampled some Bourbon. I found I liked it more as a mixed drink thing than straight up. Jim Beam did have a honey bourbon one we both liked though. WE went in search of Makers mark. DO not trust you GPS to find this place it will not lead you there. we found it just after the tour had started. The place was beautiful, the hubbie got out to take some pictures I was not feeling so hot so I fell asleep. As he was taking pictures a security guard walks over to him and he thinks he is getting tossed out. As he tells him he missed the tour and Hubbie says I just wanted to get some pictures the GPS got us here late and I missed it. The guard looks at him and says let me show you something and takes him back into the warehouse where the store the barrels and tells him how they move them to age um lets him take very sweet pictures of the space and then takes him to a guy the is the brewer mix master I am unsure or the name. but he takes him by the stills, from what I understand from what I read no one sees that on the tour. The guy even gives him a shot out of the batch he is brewing so Makers Mark moonshine style. He wanted to show him more but the hubbie was worried about me not knowing I was completely crashed out in the car.

The next day was a take it easy day which was good I could not quite figure out if it was the road food or the being up so early that was bothering me but I couldn’t seem to stay awake and just felt kinda icky. We slept in and missed the awesome breakfast at the inn, heading down town we found a cute coffee shop that sold fudge so we stopped in the had the best sandwiches ever and the soup was good too. We headed after to find some distilleries. Kentucky is beautiful! I really enjoyed the scenery as we headed out for Woodford reserve, It is on the narrow road that winds around these million dollar horse ranches miles and miles of black wood fencing with beautiful horses grazing. I never though I would be able to tell a race horse but you can. It was very cool. there were a few close tot he road so we got a few pictures. Woodford reserve was awesome. I was not to feeling so well so I stayed back while the hubbie went on the tour. He got beautiful pictures and went straying off the tour to get them so he had his own little tour again. LOL. There was a really cool old cemetary across from the place we took some pictures and by the time we got out of there and putzes around it was too late to hit any more distilleries we went for a drive and dinner.

The last day was supposed to be a big head to Cincinnati day but the hubbie woke up not feeling well and as horrible as it is I was relieve I had been sick not just not adjusting to early mornings and different  food. we slept and left for home. It was a great trip sickness and all. I wanted to see the beauty of Kentucky and I got too.

{April 2, 2013}   Hurding Dust Bunnies

The hubbies back at work now the vacation is done the projects in the house are at least started. I didn’t want to be task master for Hubbie while he was off but we did need to get things done. I think we hit a strong balance of rest down time and working. I must have had a lot of pent-up need to do because the projects kept blooming into other things then they took roots and made their own new things basically I  tried to build things deep spring clean while decluttering everything in the house. ya know just a few odds and ends. Arn’t we all glad we painted and redid the entire new living room while disrupting the entire house a week before the Hubbies vacation because there is nothing more soothing than to have every room in the house in total disaster mode to make me calm like a scuba diving parrot. EEEEEEEEEEkkkkkkk. Not to mention we had people coming in to watch the dog in the middle of this over haul we took a week vacation so we had to kind of get things so people were not killing them selves to feed the dog and so she had some space to navigate and be dog like while we were away.

I blam the book The Artist Way for pushing creativity and decluttering your life so the creativity is not bottled up in clutter and things that do not inspire you…. or am I blaming the too cold long winter today… I forget .. but that Groundhog is toast when I see him. I have at least 6 of my friends doing the same to bonus for the college kids hit the thrift store now I know my friends they have cool stuff. We were supposed to have all our stuff off the front porch when we got back from Vacation but there was snow so no pick up. Worked in our favor we found a place that may buy a lot of our stuff. Ka…ching!

The projects were a platform bed frame and couch we were going to build both. Platform king size bed with possibly a dog step because our pup is getting up there in year at 13 it is some times hard to leap like a gymnast on the bed like she used to. The plat form bad consisted of basically a framed stage and a beautiful old door we found at the restore. The thing weighs a tun but is beautiful. Need to wait for a warmer tim to stain the base boards the finish it off. Pictures are coming at that time:  But it is low enough that the Pup can make it up now so no step needed, but not too low for us. Yay! Win win.

We were going to start the couches I don’t know if anyone has seen those palate couches they are so cool looking! Very modern with industrial wheels on the bottom painted out in a funky light blue. We Love modern and funky, I was so excited. Then I started thinking about foam for the couch and I thought we could just get it at home depot. Boy, was I wrong we could get it but would it be more than just getting a couch. We had been trying to get rid of this back torturing brown monstrosity for years now.  We tabled to pallet couches and got a nice couch we pick up tomorrow or Thursday, can’t be too soon we have been couchless almost a week.

This is the rambling of the house project days we are still in chaos but one room in the house is not so messy and by the end of the week that maybe up to 3 not so messy. Next time I swear I will write about our trip to Kentucky that for some reason I kept singing take me home country road on. Yes I know that song is about  West Virginia It is right in the lyrics still sang it all week.

Anyone else doing house purging out there or is it just me?

Why is it I am so afraid of my power? Do I dare to trust that I have good to offer the world do I dare to think I have something to give. Do I dare to dream that my drives in my life might actually be leading me the way I was made to be. Could it be that I can do what I dream I can live in the reality that my creativity might actually be the way I am supposed to go rather than being a side thing or money waster. Can I dare my self to make bad things to grow in my abilities and progress.

I am so trapped by perfectionism so trapped by thinking I can not do this as well as so and so. Then giving all my power to others because I am unable to think I can do it. The hell if they do I do not have a chance, the idea came to me. I can step out and living in this place and create if I choose. So why is there so much choosing to not and just dream rather than living it. Can anyone say poster child for self sabotage.

I am tired of mental challenges and gymnastics: I am ready to face boldly going in the name of what ever but going, doing creating. Maybe it is the start of a few week vacation with my hubby. some how some way but I am so tingling with possibilities and excitement for this time. I just want to create art and write and bounce off the walls with anticipation. Why His vacation is finding me this way is something I am not sure I am ready to admit to my self , I am agoing with spending time with a  hubby that works long hours and I looking forward to it.  I am going to go with the flow breaking out the clay that mocks me from the box. Taunting me with how much I suck at making things out of it now: When It used to flow from my veins. Facing fears and taking life as it comes being brave in the face of  self-imposed can’ts. This is easy to write at 4 am from the safety for the computer not at all an over expectation for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Ugh.

We are doing house projects hoping they turn out well. I am not ready to post them here before they are done but will be taking pictures and posting the progress here as we go. The reservations are made for the KY bourbon trip. both cave riding and place staying are set up. still working  on what we are all doing but it is looking great a lot of stuff but in a good way. I am hoping I am up for it. I some times get over whelmed by too much stuff and shut down, not sure if this is intorvertedness or anxiety. probably both. I think off-season Kentucky is a safe bet for not too much crowds.

I just started admitting to myself I have anxiety. I felt bad about it for years it makes me seem so awkward and distant at times. I beat my self up for it all the time. My husband for my Birthday planned me a surprise party. It was very cool I was so happy to see all my friends and know I was so loved it was beautiful. I almost had a  panic attack though when it happened. A friend of mine who struggles with this  also recognized the crazed look in my eyes and that was a good 20 min after the shock and I was calming down.  That was a wonderful surprise and filled with love and all good things can you now see Anxiety girl emerging in this picture. She needs to meet her mortal enemy: I am unclear if that is medication or standing when I want to run. Pretty sure Ice cream has not been the answer, unfortunately alcohol has been at times.  Hence the bourbon I think I can drink my way into being sociable person trip. Ha!  Not really but it was funny and there will be tasting. 

Anxiety girl off to face breakfast and maybe the mocking clay today, maybe even do some exploring  of new things. What are you facing  down today?

{March 15, 2013}   Finding my way Back

I sit to type for the first time in so long I am not sure where to start. I have had a rough couple months working through that. most people who read this know I did not have a good relationship with my Dad. I was surprised by how effected I was by his death, That  sound cold and unfeeling but if you grieve someone your whole life do you really have anything left when they pass. Besides the few days when he was really sick when we talked and it was goodish then bad around towards the end we had not spoken in 3 or 4 years. I found not so much grief as crap now I am stuck with your opinion about me, there is nothing left I can do to change it. As if I could have done anything about it in the first place. My Dad never saw me for me, he saw parts of me laced with fears from his past, the face and voice of my Mother, and wove them together to create the me he saw. The me I know and others tell me I am, He never knew. Took me this long to realise His opinion of me is none of my business. I was never responsible for his opinion in the first place. It never defined me even though for years I let it confuse me about who I was.

So spring is coming and the warmth of the day is at hand and it is time to enter the world again. I was just at the place of feeling great doing good things and living my best self when this all happened, I figured out a very obvious thing I had missed before to get there again I need to do the things I was doing to find that place to begin with. I am doing morning pages again letting the brain just drain on the page for 3 pages  and nourishing my Body (good nutrition, feeding my soul and getting to the gym again). 

This probably is not the most fantastic update ever and not cleverest thing people will read today or.. ever really. It is scary for me to write the real feelings about my Dad passing and how it really feels to me. maybe I just am deluding my self and I am worse off than I am presenting here. I find it harder to write the truth, for fear of how I will sound or how people will react to How I see it. I grieved before he died: I grieved every birthday or holiday: there or not there. Not there was less painful. I was so sad when my birthday rolled around and all I was, was glad I would not get the you suck birthday letter ever again. It had been at least 5 years since he acknowledged my birthday and 4 more before that since it had been anything more than a letter spelling out my disappointment to him. Yet every birthday would roll around and those things loomed over the time, the waiting to hear how much I was not what he wanted. That seemed the place he took in my life this looming force just waiting to belittle and judge me. It took 10 years for me to crawl out from under that and breath, To find me and know me again. It seemed after his passing I went right back under the full weight of it. I couldn’t get out of bed for longer than I would want to say, I could not live under that strain again: hell couldn’t do it the first time that is why I backed away. I feel like a cliché having Dad issues and everything that goes with it at 39, but you live where you live.

This is my year to count down to my 40’s. I am going to make this year a great one. I am a mess and ok with that. I am going to hit 40 and be fabulous! The age thing has never bothered me, I have loved each year more than the last. I love my life and the people who are in it. I have 11 more months to go but and very excited about the path the flowers and all the wayward things to come my way in this year. I have given enough of my life to these things that no longer serve me well and crush my soul. I am picking up the things that get me to the me I want to be. I want to live from my heart love with out fear and be me the me I have always been and found again I like her she;s kinda quirky and fun.

Dreams upon dreams: years of longing and so much trapped inside my head. I knew it was a awhile since I had done this: the clay, feeling coolness in my hand. The firm yet yielding nature of clay. How I took those days for granted so long ago. It was not just loosing my way in life that drew me away, under estimating the value art brought to my life  made it not important. Taking for granted because it had always been there been so natural to me.

Life takes so many turns and bends along the way. There was a time I could not be thought of without thinking of art and clay. I may not have been the best but I loved it was always painting sets or throwing a pot on the wheel or sculpture of some kind.

Most people who read this do not know for almost a decade of my life I had a hard time moving my hands I could not even sign a check for cashing without tears of pain. I have been working a long time to come back from that. In that time I was ill I dreamed of making mosaics and sculptures out of clay and wire. I had done clay sculptures but never before had I done wire or Mosaic. I watch DIY show after show on how to do the glass anything and everything that I could. I thought at the time it was a dream I would never be able to do. I could not get enough.

I met a woman who had a little store down town called the fire as I was making my  up swing from the lowest point in that time. I had to go down and see if I could actually do a mosaic. She was so encouraging to me. My husband would come with me to cut the tiles because it was too painful for me to do at first. I loved it and could not stop once I started.It was filling a deep need with in me. Even though even just to arrange the glass would leave my hands curled up for days in pain and it was hard for me:  I could not put it away Retraining my hands to work delicate things again. With the added danger of broken glass and gashes: It felt like juggling chain saws at times. We spent all of our  extra money down there. For my husband he saw a light come back in me after having so little hope or light before, it was something I could do I loved.

I had dared to dream to make one of the other things I had started dreaming of for at least the last year but have been afraid to talk too much about. I boldly when asked what I wanted for Christmas I answered clay, or clay tools,  Wire or wire sculpture tools. I got clay. I am so excited about it: I wanted to break it open right then. and like a child just play with my toy the rest of the day. I really have wanted to drag out my wheel and try to play with it again. Being sick since Christmas basically I have not touched the clay since. I ventured to get some out tonight. It has been so long since I have worked with it I felt like a child not knowing what to make but loving the feel of it in my hands.

I know the artist way book says we stay trapped in our art where we last stayed with it but I think I went backwards. It felt so disturbing and discouraging to me to be so unable to make it flow like it once did to me, I could keenly feel the loss of the skill. It makes me lament all the time lost and all that unprofitable stuff. Sigh. I made a snowman worthy of any 5th grader, my hands bumbling and uncoordinated. I think I had too high of hopes. The Clay felt so good in my hands maybe a little too dry I had to loosen it up with a damp towel.

This one hurts:  clay was such a natural thing for me. Seriously my parents got me a wheel when I was in 6th grade, I used to get so mad in art class because I never got to take anything home because it always got taken. It is so close to my heart maybe why I dreamed so long before being brave enough to say I wanted it. Then to open and try it. It is s suppose to work right isn’t that how it goes you struggle and come through the other side and things are supposed to be awesome, fall in line make up for all you lost.  Right isn’t that the cheesy hallmark movie we all hate but love because of the touching heart stuff and plot written by a uber talented 4-year-old.

I keep reading supposed in this and know this feeling of killing the expectation so I can live and work in now. I wish I just had none of those but I can’t seem to break that habit.  I am here in its Supposed to’s death throes then I know  I had the expectation to begin with. It may just be I lost too much recently and am having a harder time than I would like with it all. Inappropriate out bursts, tears and all over things not so big. It is part of why I have not written I do not want to be an overly dramatic in my posts but I am missing posting than too. ( as I write a huge long post about figgin clay)  It is hard to be so honest with my self about this stuff. I know I will get better with practice and tools with my clay and That I will find a way to move in this world again. I just feel like I lost so much today, this year this life.

I said I would go there. So here we go. I am struggling with life and it’s succubus nature. the lure and then the draining of your soul taking of your passion and vitality: with little return on the investment. There it is black and white, I am mad as hell at life right now. It can’t even leave me my clay illusions my dreams of sculpting I had. Nope this year has been great in so many ways but has kicked my ample behind in so many other ways. This last month or 2012 was a knock out punch for me. I lost my balance and can’t find my footing anywhere, little seems so steady and sure. I guess this easier thing to be mad about  makes it easier to feel a manageable loss I think, something my heart can wrap it self around, let alone my mind. SO forgive my ranting the next few times while I travel this way into 2013. I promise to share anything I keep with my clay, right now it is just too embarrassing to go there. I may wait to go there again till I get more tools and figure it out again, provided that ever happens.

{January 2, 2013}   Robot Love

I found kind of a slightly tilted cakish plate with a mirror on the bottom it was beautiful and all I could think was I need to put glass on this. but I could not find the right thing to put on it. Then I found a friend that embraces fun like few others I have known she has such a fun personality and such a deep and beautiful heart I knew what I must do, I did not take a lot of creation pictures because I got too excited to make it. I fussed with it a long time the back changed so many times and even after up till the polish at the end I was  unsure about it.  Less sure how to remove it without damaging the area around it, But I think it turned out pretty well. The only picture I have of it is without grout but you can see it turned out cute.


{December 30, 2012}   A fairy or two

I have a friend of mine that just Loves fairies. I had never tried to make one I love the old type of fairies where their hair turns into flowers and they blend into nature more than the Tinkerbell types that are more common now. However working with glass you have to simplify to some degree so here is how it came about. Not a long slid show but walks you through well.

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{December 29, 2012}   The White Stuff of Grace

I love the winter nights

it’s all purple and yellow with shadows:

warmth it the snap of cold.

Snow is like the grace

covering all the muck

till it is ready to grow

and bring life again.

Smoothing out and saving us from the  ugliest of the parts of our hearts not ready for life yet.

A temporary covering for dignity

while waiting for the wholeness to come in the fullness of time.

It doesn’t go away

It holds it still slowly releasing it to warmth and exposure

not for shame and guilty

to make it new and different

bring life from that that held none before,

Restoration to what it should be.

For now the soft sparkle falls

Giving us grace for the day

strength for tomorrow

and another step closer to the day it will be made new.

Winter, Snow, Grace,

Frosted trees.

{December 29, 2012}   The typewritter

So I have a dear friend of mine that is an aspiring writer. Very good. I hope you all get to read her someday. I wanted to make something very special for her. I had found an old typewriter that was just too far out of my price range to get as a gift. So here is How what I did.

Old typewriter, Art, Mosaic,

The drawing

Art, Old typewriter, Mosaic

The lay out of the important parts

Art, old type writer, Mosaic

Skipped a head a little in this one after like 4 tries of back ground color and hours of laying out the right piece here the right piece there a snip of this glass a snip of that almost done with part one.

Art, old type writer, Mosaic,

OK I know not much further than before but a lot went on almost done and run out of glass had to remove a few pieces and mix in similar back ground with out changing the look takes work . So this is left to dry one full day two if I got them to spare.

Art, Old typewriter, Mosaic

So now we cover the beauty up and hope she comes out stunning, I hate this part usually when I leave my blood on the piece but also I hate like I feel like I am destroying the piece. Like the beauty should just be the beauty it never comes out the same some time for the better some times for the worse.

Art, Old type writer, Mosaic

The ugly, there she is dry 10 min before wiping it, then careful, careful don’t want the grout to be all wiped away.

Art, Old typewritter, Mosaic

Half wiped, It still looks filmy because it has to dry over night before the final polish and check so it is all filled in.

I am so excited I got to share this with you. I have a few more to come in the next few days. Hope you liked it and hope you had a Merry Christmas.

et cetera